Can you make me put down my phone,
and I mean in ways other than saying
it’s rude to have it out. I need to know if you
can capture my attention, stimulate my brain’s
waves and body’s hormones just enough
to get me so caught up in all you are offering
that I can’t fathom taking my attention away?
Can you embrace my heart with a strong
enough grasp that my only recourse is to
write a dear john letter to my cell or ghosting
on what it and I had in the name of us? Can your
words fill all the crevices in my mind so that
there’s no space to focus on texting about
things past, or Instagraming the moment,
or Periscoping the present? Can you cause
me to be that present any time I’m in your
presence or even when you are merely
presently on my mind? That’s the kind
of love I want, one that can cause me to
put down my cell phone and be totally and
utterly with you savoring each moment.
Can you?
At 4:30 a.m.
when the world
is at its quietest
and my room
is at its darkest
I need you to
reach out to me
and pull me into you
letting me know
I am not alone,
that it was just
a bad dream,
that rest can be
found with you.
At 4:30 a.m.
I need you to
comfort me, to
take the place
of my comforter
that swaddles
my body, I need
you to replace
my body pillows
and the mess
on your side
of this full-sized
mattress that
serves as your
placeholder.
At 4:30 a.m.
when sleep
is elusive
I reach out
knowing you
aren't there,
but I need you
to save me
from the dark,
from the quiet,
from this un-
relenting night.
At 4:30 a.m.
the world is
at its quietest,
my room is
at its darkest,
and I am at
my loneliest.
At 4:30 a.m.
I need you
more than
I need slumber
but no arm
reaches out,
I am reminded
there is no you.
There's only me,
only pillows,
only my TV.
So I cradle my
body in my arms
and I rock myself
back to sleep
until beckoned
by alarms.
I’m wondering, do you love me…
All of me? Not just the image of
feminine beauty… Do you love me
to the point that the irritating is
endearing? I need you to humor and
adore my oddities. Like how I’ll
request that you sit, just sit
in the bathroom and talk to me while
showering. I need you to ask
if I’m okay every morning when I
gag while I am brushing, need to know that
the clinking of my teeth against a fork
is music to your ears. I need you to find it
sinfully enticing that like a bohemian, I
wildly kick off my shoes upon entrance
to the house… my toes need freedom. And
I hope you continue to love me even as you trip
over them. I need you to love me so much that
it doesn’t matter that I don’t shave my legs
more than twice a year or that I make that
weird throat sound when allergies attack. I
need you to excuse my manly burps and
how I stare into space almost as if I’m not
paying you your full attention. I need
you to know that “I’m fine” means
“I’m falling apart, please catch me!” or that
“I’m okay” means “you should probably
stay out of my way!” I need you to love that
I’m an overachieving workaholic simply because
you know that I will always drop everything
and make time for you… I need to know that
you feel these things, in order for me to share
how much I care and know that our love is true
because these are all the things I already do
for you. I love your tart morning breath,
the way you suck your pinky, your stuffed
animal collection, how a shower takes you
an hour, I love the way you suck your teeth,
that you are always chewing gum, your germaphobic
tendencies, the fact that you love being outdoors
but can’t sit in the dirt. I love your hammer toe
and the huge scar along your arm, and nothing
makes me happier than hearing you painfully
try to sing along. These are the things that you do
that make me love you through and through so
I need to know if you feel the same about things
that would drive most insane?
My biggest mistake
was not that night
I shared with you
but that I exhaled,
dropped my guard
and let you into
my fragile heart.
You either fight,
fly or freeze
But I couldn’t fight,
I couldn’t flee.
He’s bigger than me.
Stronger than me.
And though not maliciously so
he was blocking the door.
In heightened moments of terror
you fight or freeze
so I froze,
I froze.
I couldn’t fight so I complied
I undressed myself at his wish
My only fight was over a condom
It was the only battle
I was strong enough to wage.
It was a battle won
in a war where I lost it all.
I didn’t want it,
I said no again and again
and again and again
and again and again
and again.
But I couldn’t fight,
I froze.
My no’s
were not enough
so I complied…
Thought it best to get it over with
and go home
rather than fight this overbearing man.
So I laid down and froze.
He got on top,
got in,
moved around,
told me about his intentions to cum.
And I laid there frozen,
fear consuming me.
I could not enjoy what was done,
I just laid there wondering was it over;
can I get out from under,
can I finally go home?
He moved faster
and I remained numb.
He rained sweat on me.
I absorbed it while numb.
He went to clean up,
I remained numb.
I went to clean up
while still remaining numb.
He drove me to the train,
mumbling something about
how he’d take me home
but he had to go to Queens.
We were in Brooklyn…
I was headed the other way
I hopped on the train numb,
I chatted on the phone with a friend numb.
I made it to the Bronx numb.
The next day I celebrated
my birth with my friends while numb.
The day after that while they celebrated me,
I dined with my family numb.
I was numb that weekend…
My birthday cakes tasted numb,
my smiles hallow, my heart numb.
I stayed numb
for days,
for weeks,
for months.
I was numb
until fear forced me to talk,
until I could be receptive
to the words given to me,
to the label placed on me,
two words I was too numb
and too fearful to give myself.
My therapist said “date rape”…
And I was no longer just numb
but now I was utterly broken.
My facade shattered.
My reality changed forever
though it had already been
when he scared me into numb.
In heightened fear you fight or flee…
I fled to the quietest parts inside of me
knowing I wasn’t up to the fight.
Maybe submission saved my life that night.
Maybe I could have fought and won.
Maybe’s don’t matter anymore.
Why’s don’t matter anymore.
What if’s don’t matter anymore…
And though I am
no longer under him,
part of me remains
numb.
Father God,
May I choose
to forgive
the ones who
abandoned me,
neglected me,
betrayed me,
stalked me,
molested me,
abused me,
raped me,
broke me.
May I choose
to forgive myself
for letting me
down, for
criticizing me,
for doubting me.
May I in time
forgive myself
for not taking
care of myself, for
not protecting
your temple, and
for blaming
myself, may I
forgive myself
for failing
to forgive
myself.
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